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Friday, September 16, 2005


The Day Before My Birthday: 5 Years Ago

As I've posted before, this is the fifth anniversary of the most stupid thing I have ever done...read on, and you'll realize why.

***


I woke up as early as 4am for this.

I took out a piece of paper, a pen, and wrote down the most heart-felt letter of apology I may have written in my entire life.

You see, the night before, Mike ignored me. I called his name in the campus, eyes seeking for affection and companionship. But he couldn't. He shouldn't. He was married in the first place, and is supposed to be a homophobe.

I wasn't supposed to be like this. All in the four years we've been friends, I only thought that my inflamed feelings for him were supposed to be platonic in nature. Little did I know that he had other feelings in mind.

Back in freshman year, he used to sing a certain song for me which he would say that is dedicated to me. He has such sweet singing voice. Back then, I didn't bother as to why he would sing it for me. I thought it was a wedding song for his wife. But then one day, I asked a friend, "Do you have lyrics for 'Hiding Inside Myself'?"

She had. And so I read the lyrics and wondered why.

I browsed through the word and tears slowly fell from my eyes...

I've been so alone all my life
I couldn't give my heart to anyone
Hiding
myself was a man
Who needed to be held like everyone...

Then you
came out of nowhere
I could not believe my heart
I didn't know how to
tell you
I didn't know where to start...

So I hid inside 'till I
almost died
I hid inside and I cried
A loving heart and a sensitive man
Hiding inside myself...

All those four years we've been conversing about politics, riding jeepneys home together meant something more to him? He loved me, and I didn't notice it.

And when I wanted to show that I, too, loved him, he ignored me and shook his head. Did I do anything wrong to anger him?

And so here I was, writing an apology letter, inviting him to go out with me on that day, the day before my birthday. Attached are five bananas. Don't ask.

Later in the afternoon, after taking my Marketing class, I was approached by Mike's friend (whom I've given the letter for Mike to read). He put his heavy arm around me and walked me straight to Mike. He was angry.

"Do you think I'm amused with what you've been doing?"

I stood in front of him stone cold, hearing an angry remark for all the fellow students to hear. My jaw dropped and couldn't muster a word. It could only emit whispers of "Sorry...sorry" but I didn't think they were enough.

As I hurriedly left campus, I could only heard him say, "Good! Walk away from me!"

I cried the whole afternoon, consoling to a good friend. Feeling the need for space, I went to a public park and walked aimlessly until the night. I then went to a local bar, drank a bottle of beer, enough for me to feel groggy and go home fighting the tears.

I later learned that a classmate of his read the apology letter for all his class to hear. Our common friend said, "He went out of the building fuming. He said he wanted to punch you."

Well, he did hurt me without having to punch me. And in exchange, I took vengeance on him by hitting him in what he would hurt the most...

(later...)




4 Comments:

Blogger Shane said...

good writing. sounds like a terrible experience. .... although I must admit the "bananas" portion "appealed" to my curiosity, yet gave me the "slip."

Why on earth would someone read a personal note out loud to other people -- I wondered if the story was fictional at this point.

Sat Sep 17, 09:14:00 AM GMT+8

 
Blogger xiphoid said...

Sad story ,good blog.

Sat Sep 17, 01:24:00 PM GMT+8

 
Anonymous Z said...

I'm probably dense but I don't understand why Mikes friend was angry?

Sat Sep 17, 09:38:00 PM GMT+8

 
Blogger empress maruja said...

Hi Z,

It was Mike who was actually angry. His friend led me to him.

***

Hello Shane,

I have no idea why the letter was read aloud in the first place (we had different classes). It was probably because of the bananas. Don't ask why I sent him bananas.

Tue Sep 20, 12:41:00 AM GMT+8

 

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