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Friday, June 23, 2006

My Backward Country (Bow...)


Just when I thought that it was only the kiddie show (and my salary from it) that gets delayed, now I hear more bad news.

On the eve of our supposed meeting with the celebrity mom for our new show project, our executive producer got hospitalized for severe stomach pains. Not only the meeting was cancelled, our production manager was informed by the TV network that the target timeslot for the new show had been taken.

This caused a ripple effect of sorts. Our salaries would be further delayed since our supposed talent fees were used for the hospitalization. The development for the new show would be taking a back seat.

Our executive producer was released two days before, but because she celebrated too much after the release, she was hospitalized again yesterday.

Is there any hope for the almost-penniless multi-media multi-tasker? It feels like I'm a masochist when it comes to careers, that I would able to tolerate even the most severe of financial problems for the love of the job. I left my first job as a model agent after five months of not being paid, and now this.

I decided to take action...

I have a job interview on Monday. Wish me luck.



I received this e-mail recently and I couldn't help but to share its words of wisdom to my dearest subjects...I mean, readers.

The scenario is a version of Noah's Ark in a Philippine setting.

It is translated to English for the delight of my international readers:

The year was 2005 and Noah lived as an ordinary middle-class Filipino. One day, God appeared to him and said, "A Great Flood will cover the Philippines one year from now. I command you to build an ark to shelter pairs of different animals as well as Filipino couples from all over the country." God gave Noah the specifications of the ark and he full-heartedly accepted the responsibility of saving his fellow Filpinos from the iminent flood.

After one year, God appeared again to Noah. Upon seeing that Noah hadn't built an ark ever since, God became furious. "Where is the ark I asked you to build," God asked.

"Forgive me, my Lord, for I have failed to fulfill your command," Noah replied. "There had been a great problem in Your plan."

And Noah began narrating the obstacles that besieged his work of building the ark.

He asked for a Mayor's permit, but he was told that the Mayor will only grant permission if Noah would assign the construction firm of the Mayor's nephew as the contractor.

He then went to the Congressman's office, but the politician would grant Noah's permit if he would receive 30% of the construction budget.

His hired workers established a labor union and declared a strike, while left-wing groups became aware of Noah's plans and they set-up rallies for unfair procedures in choosing the people who would be in the ark (only God-believing people are allowed).

Even gay and lesbian groups joined in the rallies because only heterosexual couples were allowed in the ark.

Civil society groups also joined in the fray, accusing the ark project as being funded by gambling lords.

With all the chaos and media coverage this event had been receiving, the Senate initiated a hearing "in aid of legislation." Noah tried to invoke Executive Order 464 to inhibit himself from the hearing, but since he wasn't an executive official, he was forced to attend.

When the Senators realized that the project was God's command, they declared it unconstitutional due to separation of Church and State.

The National Bureau of Investigation as well as Philippine National Police claimed that they received classified information that the ark would be used as an escape vehicle of former President Joseph Estrada, while the Armed Forces and Department of Justice reported that the ark would be used by renegade soldiers in their coup against President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Noah went to the office of Presidential Spokesperson Mike Defensor, requesting a visit to the president. He was told that GMA would only allow the ark to be built if the slogan "Towards A Strong Republic" would be painted on it.

"I refuse the president's offer and until now the project has a Temporary Restraining Order. I think it would take 10 years to complete the ark, my Lord," Noah ended his woeful narration.

God shook His head and said, "I do not need to destroy this country. I let the Filipinos destroy their country by themselves."



Because of overwhelming clamor, Philippine starlet Alyssa Alano is gracious enough to do an encore performance of her rendition of "Keys Me" by Sixpence None The Richer. Finally, this is her claim to fame.




Finally, after that whirlwind compulsory shopping tour (by the way, we also passed by a jewelry factory and bought a pearl earring and necklace set for Queen Mother; that was the least we could do after failing to shop for Lacostes and Nikes), the imperial family found themselves to Hong Kong Disneyland.

It was raining when we visited the theme park, so we bought a pair of plastic parkas for HK$35 each. Boy, that parka was giving me the sweats.

There was supposed to be a grand parade by the time we entered Disneyland, but because it was raining, the parade only consisted of two carriages filled with Disney mascots all in raincoats. Even Mickey and Minnie had hoods that fitted their huge ears perfectly.

Although Hong Kong Disneyland is relatively smaller compared to Disneyland in Anaheim, we didn't managed to attend most of the rides and attractions. Why?

Well you see, most of our afternoon and evening on Disneyland was spent on waiting for the next Grand Parade, as well as falling in line to have our photos taken with Disney celebrities like Daisy Duck, Tigger, and of course, Mickey and Minnie.

My sister and brother were so set on having their pictures taken with Mickey and Minnie, so I decided to tag along. This "is" Disneyland's main attraction. Waiting in line for the Mickey-Minnie photo-op takes longer than waiting in line for popular rides like Space Mountain and The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh.

One female visitor was so ecstatic after having her photo taken, she even hugged Mickey and gave Minnie a kiss. On the lips.

Mickey and Minnie don't stay too long as they had three minute breaks every fifteen minutes. I think there are several Mickey and Minnies taking shifts during the photo-op.

Finally, it was our turn. I flashed out a "devil's horns" sign to deviate from the usual "V" sign the tourists tend to do.

I could not believe I was holding the darn parka when this shot was taken.

Of course, we took some great rides like Space Mountain and Buzz Lightyear. Well, those are the only two rides that we took, while we also went to their attractions like their train that goes around the theme park, as well as those slow taxi vehicles. We capped our afternoon with a visit to its Fantasia-inspired 3-D theater (definitely a must-see for every Disneyland visitor).

We didn't bother much on the fireworks display (although it looked fantastic) since we elbowed and bumped our way out of Disneyland, anticipating the surge of people exiting the park.

We met Eric at the parking lot and, together with the rest of the tour group, took the bus to China.



I told you in my previous post of a documentary featuring elderly women in Kalayaan, Laguna Province, displaying wooden phalluses during weddings.

The documentary had caught the ire of the Movie and Television Review and Classification Board (MTRCB), the country's censors (although they deny it) and rating office.

MTRCB summoned documentarist Howie Severino for a hearing. Apparently, they received complaints from several "concerned citizens" claiming that the documentary was malicious.

National Artist for Dance Ramon Obusan, who was present during the hearing, defended Severino. He explained that the "lukayos" are the keepers of a tradition. "Where is the dividing line between malice and acceptance and appreciating tradition as part of what we've inherited from the past," Obusan asked.

However noble the defense was, the censors board (although they deny that they censor) do not buy the anthropological argument. The MTRCB committee head Atty. Manuel Cases said what to me is the most ignorant statement that comes from a lawyer:

"Sure, it is their tradition--they want to play with dildos. That's what it is. To me, that's how it looked, they like to play with dildos...But we have to see this in the context of the law and the viewing public. This should not be shown to young people. They will not understand."

Dos that mean that hold a malicious and immoral culture? That we should thank the Spanish friars for putting blouses on our bare-breasted women back in the day? That we as a nation are moving forward because we throw away the customs and traditions that our ancestors had practiced, and instead celebrate Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day?

Atty. Manuel Cases underestimates the intelligence of our youth. He underestimates television viewers as dumb and unappreciative. He thinks that the documentary was pornographic.

Well, Atty. Manuel Cases should check his porn collection and let's see if he gets turned on by the sight of a wooden penis.

Because if he doesn't...

Then let's put this giant phallus up Atty. Manuel Cases' ass.



I keep these hot photos of Pinoy model and celebrity Zanjoe Marudo in my inbox and it is only now that I am able to share these steaming body shots with my loyal readers. Me get sweaty...

ATTENTION MALE READERS: Is your body worthy of worship? Send your hot photos to empressmaruja@gmail.com. We are all waiting...



1) President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo got karma...errr, hospitalized for acute infectious diarrhea. Wouldn't it be the same if they removed the "acute" and the "infectious" part?

2) DA MARUJA CODE UPDATE: Finally, a correct answer to the code was provided by The Goddess. The answer is: I SWEAR TO THE GAY GODS THAT DENNIS TRILLO IS DEFINITELY NOT GAY. PIOLO IS. Although he doesn't want to be recommended, I'll be the gay of my word. Check out my recommendations section.


Blogger Airah said...


that was one super long post. ;p

tsk.. tsk.. prang ang malas naman non!

but anyway, goodluck with the job interview.. i know you can make it! *winks*

about the joke if noah is a filipino, i've also received that in my email..

at first, kala ko naman kung ano.. wahaha.. ok lng siya.. :-)

Nice.. I haven't been to Disneyland! Inggit tuloy ako..

about zanjoe.. well, i don't really like him that much.. wala lng.. basta.. hehe..

anyway, have a nice day! *hugs*


Sun Jun 25, 09:48:00 AM GMT+8

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello Empress! Finally, I am done with your custom template. I hope you like it! Mwuahhhh!

Sun Jun 25, 11:05:00 PM GMT+8

Anonymous Anonymous said...

ciao!! may bagong balita na ba sa iyong job interview?

tingin ko, masyado lang makitid ang utak nya. heheh.

have a nice week! =)

Tue Jun 27, 07:31:00 AM GMT+8

Anonymous Anonymous said...

huhuhu, thank you your highness...naiiyak talaga ako. thank you for featuring zanjoe...and you posted it on my birthday. i think we're really meant for each other. (i hope yuri reads this)

thank you talagaaaaaaa! mwah!

ay, how did the interview go?

Tue Jun 27, 07:15:00 PM GMT+8

Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi dear! that emailed story is absolutely true. we are slowly but surely doing ourselves in. i still have this undying flicker of hope inside me that one day, we filipinos will wake up and realize that it is time for change.

tough luck on the new show. chin up, am pretty sure better and bigger things are coming your way. ikaw pa! ;)

Wed Jun 28, 12:28:00 AM GMT+8


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